I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
