I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
