I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
