My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
