The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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