we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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