I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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