dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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