my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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