I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
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As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We just shotgunned beers for America
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
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I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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