We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you inspire me to be a worse person
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
