I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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