wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
