Michael Bay diarrhea
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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