hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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