my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
