someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He did a backflip because drugs
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
