Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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