Welp...herpes.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
