she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
