Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
