I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
