Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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