Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
