the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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