and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
