fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This house was built for laser tag.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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