I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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