I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You took a bar mat shot.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
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