You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
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I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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