Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I want to fling myself into the sun
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
