Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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