life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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