Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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