I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
