Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
