last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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