Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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