You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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