I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
