somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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