I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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