You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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