Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
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i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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