i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
