woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
