Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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