bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
