im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
