moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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