I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
