Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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