i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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