So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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