we have pet lesbian snakes
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
