Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
