I'm passing your future prison.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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