Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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