Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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